Note To Future Self

The kiwis have an endearing national habit of making things as difficult as possible.

Take netball, for instance. Devised as a gentler version of basketball that women could play without risking uterine collapse (and played under the name “girls basketball” in the US prior to the 1970s) netball has been converted into a viciously competitive sport through pure perversity. It is always played on outdoor courts. Anyone who has played basketball will no doubt remember with a wince the rashes raised by skidding along the parquet. Netball, to assist players halting immediately upon receiving a pass, is played on textured asphalt. Of course, practice usually begins as close to dawn as practicable, so there’s the greatest possible chance of having a rime of frost on the court.

The kiwis obstructive talents are not limited to sports. Faced with the relentlessly logical metric system the kiwis refuse to sell goods – especially items which are to be measured and sub-divided by the cook – in sizes divisible by ten. Long division improves the moral fibre of the nation. Take, for example, this bar of chocolate.

In the US, because every one knows we are innumerate, baking chocolate is sold in 1 oz squares, scored deeply in case the cooks needs only 1/2 oz. Here in New Zealand, in blessed contrast, baking chocolate comes in 270 g bars.

As you can see, in a major concession, the bar is divided into squares. Six down and eleven across. A quick mental calculation of 270/66 = 4.09 g per square. Fortunately, the 0.09g turns out to be a moot point, as the scoring is too shallow for the cook to snap off squares cleanly.

Alas, I fear that despite this valiant effort, the kiwis are fighting a rearguard action. The other week I bought a short length of chicken wire for a repair project. The young cashier looked at the slip of paper on which the salesman had jotted the length and price, turned to me and said “what’s 1 out of 3?” I was so gobsmacked it completely slipped my mind that the mesh had actually been measured and cut at 30 cm rather than 1/3 of a meter.